I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
