I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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