JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
