You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
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