God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
