no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
