I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
