suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
