Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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