Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I enjoy the company of your penis
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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