Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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