my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Is it because I queefed?
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Randomize
