note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
