so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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