I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Randomize
