something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
