Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I need to stop coming to work sober
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
