I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
