You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
