I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
