They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I have feelings that need drinking.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
