I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
