I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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