oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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