so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I think I died a long time ago.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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