Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
