So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
