at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize