i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I think I won the penis lottery.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
It's no shave November. This is our time.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
