Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Randomize
