i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
