were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Randomize
