I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
