i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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