i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
