Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
