boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
