im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize