you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Randomize
