Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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