Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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