dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
