EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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