she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
