haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize