Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
