sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
