his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
