Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
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