Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
