Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
