Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
