I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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