the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
