I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Oh god it's open bar.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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