Sorry, I don't speak sober.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Randomize
