That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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