I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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