btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
