stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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