im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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