sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
soo... how was my night?
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