Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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