he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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