if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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