I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize