dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
