Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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