seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
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