I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
