Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
