whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
